Threesomes: How Do You Ask?

I received a question on my post about convincing your partner to be more sexually adventurous that deserved a whole new post. The reader has a male friend that is interested in having a MMF (two males, one female) threesome with his wife. He asked; she wasn't interested. Both had limited sexual partners prior to marriage.

This one took awhile because I had to do a ton of research to give the best possible answer.

The friend has already asked his wife, but I'm going to backpedal a bit before answering. Let's pretend he hadn't asked her yet. 

Assessing the Variables

We'll start at the beginning- societal expectations. While this is a fairly common fantasy among men, our society has a pretty negative view of this particular flavor of swinging. While societal norms should never inhibit your sexual expression (as long as that expression is consensual, respectful of the participants, and safe), it will influence your partner's perceptions of the activity. This type of activity requires the participants to fully recognize sexual activity as a form of recreation, which is more difficult than it seems.

 Second, consider why you have this fantasy. Is it because you enjoy seeing your partner receive pleasure? Do you enjoy the role as a voyeur? Are you hoping it leads to further adventures where you can have sex with someone else? Is this an attempt to spice up a boring sex life? Is the relationship in trouble and this is an attempt to repair it?

The first reason is probably the best rationale, followed by the second. If you want this to happen for any other reason, you probably shouldn't do it. An activity that involves other people has a high potential for unexpected negative outcomes, and a healthy relationship with excellent, open communication is absolutely necessary. I'll talk about this in more detail later.

Second, it's a good idea to assess if this is really a fantasy you want to live. There are a myriad of problems that may occur, starting with unexpected jealousy. 

Jealousy is an emotion that's a lot like grief after someone close to you dies- you can't imagine exactly how it feels until you experience it. In the fantasies, your perception of jealousy is either going to be absent or greatly minimized. There are ways to accurately assess your jealousy before you recruit some dude to bone your wife. That starts by considering all the possible negative outcomes:

• What if the other guy is really good? Could you handle your wife getting pleasure from a more skilled lover?
• What if your wife falls in love with the other dude and leaves you? We're biologically designed to create a connection when having sex, which is the reason open, honest communication with her is necessary.
• What if the other dude has an STD or your wife gets pregnant? Picking a clean partner and practicing safe sex are obvious solutions, but it's something to consider.
• What if your wife wants out after it starts? How would you tactfully call it off?
• What if the dude immediately starts telling people about the activity? Could you handle your friends, relatives, and coworkers knowing?
• If it turns out to be a negative experience, how will it affect your relationship? If one of you hates it and the other loves it, then what?

Other issues to consider are self-esteem. How would this activity make you feel about yourself? How would it make your partner feel about herself? 

Also consider the reoccurring problems you have in your relationship. Will this make the problems worse?

How Do You Ask?

Okay, let's assume you considered all those factors. How do you go about asking your wife?  I wouldn't recommend just asking out of the blue. I would recommend discussing it in the context of a conversation about both of your sexual needs and desires. 

Oddly, most couples have a lot of problems discussing their sex life, especially if it involves adventurous activities. A sharing activity can be a good method to get the dialogue rolling. Each of you get a piece of paper. Write three sexual or intimate activities you'd like to try. Exchange the papers. Take turns explaining each item on the list, including why you'd like to try it. Each person can cross one thing off their partner's list, but agrees to try the other two at least once. Have a conversation about the rejected activity. Why is this the one they chose? Don't judge (or pout), but really listen to each other. Empathize with their feelings.

Do this activity about every month or so. After a few months, your sexual communication should increase dramatically. You will begin to fully understand why each of you has inhibitions about various activities. You will also begin to be more adventurous. Once you feel dialogue is excellent, come back to the idea. The key is to understand why she wasn't interested.

I would recommend starting somewhere besides "I want to see another dude fuck you." A good starting point may be watching some MMF porn. Afterward, talk about what you saw. How would you feel if you were two of the actors in the film? What turns you on about the idea? What turns you off?

You could also take it in steps. Go dancing. Let your wife dance with another guy. Later, talk about how it made both of you feel. If it was positive, gradually move to more adventurous activities- maybe some touching and kissing. The idea is to test the waters slowly, then have an open, honest discussion about your feelings after each step.

If she still resists after these steps, let the fantasy go. There are other possibilities, such as talking about the fantasy as foreplay or using a male blow-up doll together.

What if She Says Yes?

So you went through the steps outlined above. You ask her again. This time she says yes. Yipee!

Now what?

Hopefully you've discussed the possible pitfalls of doing this. If not, do that first. Let her discuss her worries; you do the same. Affirm your love for each other.

So... now you plan. The first decision would be the third person. Who do you choose? Should it be someone you know? A casual acquaintance? A close friend? A complete stranger?

All options have pros and cons. The decision should be based on mutual comfort... what would make both of you the most comfortable?

Next consider how to ask him. If it's a friend or acquaintance, I'd recommend asking during a conversation about kinky sex. If it's a stranger, there's a pretty good chance just having the opportunity to have sex will suffice.

The logistics of the act need to be taken into consideration. 

• Where will it occur? If it's a stranger, your home may not be a great option. 
• How will it start? Drinks at a bar first? Dinner? Just meet at a random hotel? 
• What happens during? What role will you play? Will you just watch? Will you be actively involved? Will you be touching the other guy? If that's on the table, make sure he understands that and is comfortable with the idea before starting. 
• What about afterward? If it's your first time, it's probably a good idea to have the guy leave soon so you can talk with your wife. Affirm your love, cuddle, and discuss your feelings honestly. Was it positive? Negative? What felt right or wrong? Would you consider this again and what would you do differently. Talk about feelings, especially jealousy and regret.
• If the other person were a friend, talk to them later. How do they feel about the experience? 

Where do We go from Here?

Afterward, it's important to discuss where you go from this point. If both of you had a good experience and feel this activity enhances your relationship, consider doing it again. If it seems to have too many negatives, it may be best to avoid it in the future.

If it was enjoyable, be careful about doing it too often. This advice could be used for any sexual activity. Repeating the same thing too often will result in a learned response, which I discussed in this post. You don't want to create a situation where a MMF threesome is the only way you get excited. Variety is a good thing; don't be a sexual one trick pony.

What are your thoughts? My response is based mostly on research and previous knowledge about human nature. I'd love to get comments from people that have actually had a threesome. Is this information accurate or am I totally off-base?

Remember, you can comment anonymously. Also feel free to contact me if you're not comfortable commenting on a public forum.

###