Valentine's Day: Pffft!

Valentine's Day always pissed me off. No, it's not the flood of red and pink that invades storefronts. No, it's not the mushy greeting cards. No, it's not the crappy-ass chocolate wrapped in cardboard hearts. 

Valentine's Day pisses me off because it's a day set aside to show your love and affection to your significant other.

What's wrong with that?

Why do we insist on displaying more love and affection on a predetermined day? If we were really concerned about relaying our feelings, why wouldn't we do this every day?

Of course, some people will defend the holiday. They'll talk about liking being pampered, getting the extra attention. However, this reliance on a holiday to get what you need from a relationship is problematic. If a person needs more love and affection, why don't they just ask for it?

We all have needs. We have to feel comfortable asking our partner to fulfill those needs. We shouldn't rely on a holiday to meet those needs.

What are your thoughts? Do you celebrate Valentine's Day? Why is it different than any other day? Share your thoughts in the comments section!

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America: We Hate Nudity and Love Violence

Ever notice this trend? Many parents have little or no problem exposing their children to violence via video games, TV, moves... whatever. The same parents also flip out if their kids see a nipple. 

What the fuck is up with that?

[For the record, I don't care if my kids view violence or nudity... Shelly and I take it as an opportunity to explain context, the difference between fantasy and reality, etc.]

Anyway, why exactly DO we "protect" kids from nudity? To the best of my knowledge, there are no controlled experimental studies that suggest exposing kids to nudity has any negative effects. In fact, I would suggest teaching children to feel shameful of nudity is definitely harmful. Think how much better our society would be if more of us could shed the shame and guilt we feel about our bodies?

Shelly and I go to great lengths to expose our kids to things they need to know as adults, which includes fielding any questions that arise. Sometimes we're nude in front of our children. It's not a big issue.

As far as I can tell, our anti-nudity obsession is a direct result of Puritanical religious beliefs that have been generalized to the entire population. 

Bastards. 

Wouldn't it make more sense to teach kids to celebrate their bodies? Teach them that the human body is a beautiful thing, no matter the shape or size? Wouldn't this be a more healthy approach? Couldn't we use nudity as a teaching tool... sort of like what we should be doing with violence?

Ah, America and our mixed-up priorities.

What do you think? Are we too protective? For those parents that actively shield their kids from nudity, what is your rationale? Leave a comment!

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Why is Confidence Hot? A Discussion on the Need for External Validation

Ever notice confidence makes people appear much more attractive?

Why?

Most of it comes down to our hatred of neediness. We don't like needy people because they require constant attention. They have little or no ability to provide their own validations. It's exhausting to constantly answer "Am I pretty" or "Do you really love me" questions.

There may be a subset of people that DO like neediness, but they're simply meeting their own need to be needed. In that case, it may be a workable symbiotic relationship. For the rest of us, we despise neediness.

Quite possibly the best thing we can do to make ourselves more attraction is to boost our self-confidence by eliminating the need for external validation. Get to a point where we can give ourselves all the validation you need.

The idea of being more confident will help you whether we're single or in a relationship. Confident single people get action. Confident "taken" people have better relationships. In either case, it will improve our lives.

Here's a few tactics to teach yourself to be more confident:

• Don't complain. Nobody likes a whiny bitch.
• Self-analyze. Spend a few minutes every day asking why we do what we do. If we're brutally honest, we'll admit when we did something to impress others or elicit validation. Consciously stop those behaviors.
• Crush your fears by embracing the uncomfortable. Put ourselves in a position to do things that make us uncomfortable on a regular basis. This is the idea of BRUcrew.
• Assume rapport with strangers. When we meet someone new, a simple trick to avoiding the awkwardness is to assume they're an old friend.
• Don't be a perfectionist. Perfection is a way self-handicap. We beat ourselves up when we can't reach an imaginary level of proficiency, and it affects our self-confidence. Learn to be okay with "good enough."
• Believe you can do anything. Having 100% confidence our abilities is a powerful method to project confidence. This takes considerable practice, but will allow us to achieve far more than we think is possible.
• Use confident body language. Stand up straight. Look people in the eye. Use hand gestures. Talk with authority. Don't mope.
• Always learn. Lifelong learning keeps you mentally sharp. Smart is confident.
• Celebrate your strengths; ignore your weaknesses. We all have things about our bodies or personalities we don't like. Fuck 'em. People notice what you put on display. Accentuate your strengths.
• Don't be offended. Ever. People that are easily offended are reflecting their own insecurity. They need to feel like they're right. When confronted with contradictory information, they either evaluate their own belief or disregard the source of the information. Being offended is one such method. The solution- be okay with people having different values, beliefs, and behaviors. In other words, don't judge. Practice unconditional love.
• Focus on the successes, learn form failures. Then forget them. This is sort of like accentuating our strengths. If we focus on our failures, we'll feel a lot less confident. We should definitely learn from our failures, but also learn to forget them.
• Learn to take a compliment. Nothing says "I'm not confident' like responding to a genuine confident with a depreciating statement. If someone says "Damn, you're hot!" respond with a polite "Thank you, I appreciate the compliment."
• Learn to fake it. If any of these previous suggestions are too difficult, just fake it until you can actually do it. I learned this tip from my friend Christian- if you're not awesome, fake it until you are. 

 All of us have the power to be more confident. Like any skill, it takes practice. The more we eliminate the need for external validation, the more confident we become. The more confident we become, the more attractive we appear. Give it a shot. The benefits are well worth the effort. ;-)

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The Contrast Effect: An Easy Way to Become More Attractive

As a society, we spend countless dollars (somewhere in the ballpark of several hundred billion dollars) on products to make us more attractive. Cosmetics, dental work, plastic surgery, fancy clothing, perfume and cologne... the list goes on and on.

Why?

Attractive people are treated better.

We all know this, even though it is difficult to admit. Beautiful people have it easier. They make more money, get more perks, and are considered to be more friendly, empathic, outgoing... whatever. It's known as the halo effect.

It's easy to justify our expenditure on products to make us more attractive because it actually works. There's a solid return on investment. 

There's a flaw in our thought processes, though. We assume we're always being compared to some preset cultural standard of beauty... like the pictures we see on the cover of magazines in the checkout line at the grocery store. 

But we're not.

We're compared to the people around us. It's known as the contrast effect. If you are in a group of five people, everyone will rate your attractiveness based on the attractiveness of the other four. How exactly does this work?

Let's assume you're a solid "7" on a 1-10 scale. You're hanging out with another seven, a five, and 2 fours. The presence of the five and 2 fours will make you and the other seven appear more attractive... maybe like nines. People will treat you accordingly.

The idea can be turned around. Let's say you're a six and you're hanging out with a bunch of eights and nines. You'll be perceived even lower than you would if you were alone... maybe a four.

You don't even have to be in the presence of others for this effect to work. If you enter a room after someone more attractive enters, you'll be perceived as being less attractive. If you enter after someone less attractive, you'll be considered more attractive. It's a concept called priming.

So what's the lesson from this post? 

If you want to seem more attractive, it can be as simple as being in the presence of less attractive people. Or entering a room after a less attractive person. It may seem like an exceptionally shallow concept, but it's how we operate. Knowledge is power. 

Give it a shot. Notice how people treat you when you're in the presence of more attractive and less attractive people. Post your experiences in the comments section!

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Thoughts on Therapy

A few days ago I received a comment requesting my thoughts on therapy. I frequently recommend people seek the help of a therapist, but never really do into detail beyond that. Having relationship problems? Odds are good those problems are a function of your own problems. Fix those problems before tackling relationship issues.

The Importance of Therapy

Mental health interventions can be invaluable to improving quality of life. As much as we would like to believe we have a firm grasp on our own thoughts and behaviors, we're more or less blinded by the biases inherent in our frame of reference. It's sort of like a fish not recognizing it's in water because it's the only frame of reference it's ever experienced. 

People around us, like friends and family, can provide a different frame of reference, but their perspective is often flawed by their own self-interest. They may offer advice, but it will likely be skewed because they will always keep their interests in mind.

A good therapist will provide that unbiased frame of reference that will help you see yourself in a different light. They train extensively to observe, understand, interpret, and offer opportunities to change your thoughts and behaviors in an unbiased manner. 

When confronted with unpleasantnesses about ourselves, we tend to get defensive and do what we can to avoid admitting our faults. If our friends are pointing this out, we'll make excuses, deflect, or employ some other strategy to evade actually changing.

Good therapists recognize that pattern. They call us out on our bullshit.They're not fooled by the facades we build. That ability is what makes a good therapist invaluable. We can't fix what we don't acknowledge, and they guide us toward acknowledgment.

What is a "Good" Therapist?

Therapy comes in many different flavors based on the theoretical framework the therapist studied. Like anything else, a therapist from one school will insist their approach is best. The problem is different types of therapy work better for certain types of people or certain problems. In short, we're all individuals with different needs, so our therapy needs will vary. There's no "one size fits all" solution.

The key is to find a therapist that will actually help, which may take some time. Good therapists will be completely honest about their abilities and will be more than happy to set up an initial consultation to assess the situation. If they think they can help, they will. If not, they can refer us to someone that can.

Understanding the basics of the major schools may help narrow that initial search. These are the major categories. Note I'm really generalizing these schools of thought. Many specific therapies would fit under one or even more of these general umbrellas. 

Psychodynamic school: This is the stereotypical "therapy." Couches. Taking about your childhood. A therapist silently nodding on occasion while taking notes. Remember the show "Frasier?" He was a psychoanalytic therapist based on the theories of Sigmund Freud. His brother Niles was a psychdynamic therapist based on the somewhat related theories of Carl Jung.

This therapy is effective at helping people understand the connection between past experiences and current thoughts and behaviors. Once these connections are understood, changes could be made to make positive improvements.

I was very skeptical of this method until actually going through it. I can credit much of the progress I've made in improving my life to this approach. 

The negative- this approach takes time. As such, it can be expensive. Insurance may not cover this therapy in its entirety, but most psychdynamic therapists have adapted to that limitation.

Humanistic school: The humanistic school is based on a simple idea: Humans are fundamentally good. Bad behaviors are a function of bad choices. Humanistic therapists teach personal responsibility and decision-making skills to help people reach their full potential, usually utilizing our motivations to meet our own survival and social needs.

This is an overwhelmingly positive approach to therapy. It emphasizes the idea that we have free will, and we can learn to use choices to maximize our potential. One of the hallmarks of the humanistic school is the tendency to resist diagnosing "problems." The other schools usually identify a problem, name it, then work to fix it. The humanistic folks empower us to improve. 

This specific school is also known fr the tendency to look at the human potential to always grow. As such, humanistic therapy would be appropriate for anyone, not just those experiencing problems. 

I actually utilize many of the tenants of humanistic psychology in everyday life, namely the idea that we always have the capacity to grow and learn. Furthermore, we have the capacity to help those around us [spouse, kids, family, friends, blog readers :-)] continually grow and learn. It's a major motivation to continue doing what I do.

Cognititve-behavioral school: The cognitive-behavioral school is an umbrella term that covers A LOT of different methodologies. Back to Frasier- remember his life Lillith? She was a behavioral experimental psychologist. As an experimental psychology student, I trained under a bunch of behaviorists. 

The cognitive-behavioral approach is heavily rooted in fixing problems. If you have a specific problem, these therapists will create a strategy to fix the problem. There's little concern for the past or underlying causes of the problem, they focus on solutions.

This type of therapy is especially effective for specific problems that may be holding a person back, like phobias or negative thoughts about a certain issue.

Potpourri: Okay, this school isn't really called "potpourri." It's usually called something like "eclectic" therapy. It's essentially a hybrid between different schools. Each of the above has distinct advantages and disadvantages. a therapist that can utilize all methods can be extremely effective.One specific method may be effective for some issues but not all.

I'll use myself as an example. After about six months of therapy with my psychodynamic therapist, we had pretty much solved all the relevant problems related to my earlier years. The last two months or so were mostly done in conjunction with Shelly and her psychodynamic-based theorist solving our relationship issues. Our last two individual sessions were spent geeking out about the field of experimental sexuality research. 

At that point, a cognitive-behavioral psychologist could have helped with very specific issues I was having that weren't easily addressed with the other methods. A humanistic approach could have helped improve my decision-making skills. [sidebar- my therapist was actually capable of that, but we agreed I had enough understanding of the concepts to do it myself.]

Difference Between a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist

This is another important consideration when looking for a therapist. The major difference- psychiatrists are medical doctors, psychologists are not. As such, psychiatrists can prescribe drugs. 

My personal recommendation would be to seek out a psychologist first unless there's alife or death situation related to mental state. If they determine there's a need for drug therapy, they will refer you to a psychiatrist. Drugs work by screwing with brain chemistry. Before taking that leap, trying non-drug therapies is a good idea.

The Searching Process

Therapists, at least honest therapists, welcome the therapist-shopping process. They understand a comfortable fit is necessary for successful outcomes. The best method is to do more research beyond this post. Find therapists in your area. Check out their websites. Give them a call. Or email them as I did... I hate the phone. Yes, I still have issues. :-)

Once you contact those that seem like they'd be a good fit, I would recommend meeting in person. They will probably go through an assessment process that will vary based on their theoretical background. That process should be enough to determine which therapist would be the best fit.

What About Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy, or marriage/relationship counseling, can be an incredibly effective means of improving relationships. In most cases, the therapy involves learning good relationship skills. I highly recommend it for any couple experiencing troubles.

HOWEVER, there is a serious caveat to couples therapy. If one or both partners have significant baggage from past experiences, it's unlikely couples therapy will be effective. Each partner has to figure out their own issues before they can tackle their relationship issues. This is why I always recommend both people in a relationship seek individual therapy prior to seeking couples therapy.

This is a general rundown on my take on therapy. When done properly, therapy can result in amazing life-changing outcomes.

Questions?

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Shitty Guy Skills: Determining Female Interest

A Facebook friend recently asked me about stalkers, which made me think about the nature of attraction, which led me to think about our ability to recognize attraction. Some guys exhibit stalker-like behavior because they mistakenly believe a woman has romantic interest in them. Unfortunately most dudes tend to be woefully bad at assessing if a woman genuinely likes them or is just being friendly. Men will often say women put out "mixed signals." 

This "mixed signal" phenomenon, however, is a problem with the receiver, not the sender. The woman is sending crystal clear signals. The man is the one butchering the message on the receiving end. The problem- we (men) don't always know the specific nuances of physical attraction.

We've all seen (or experienced) this situation- a cute girl smiles at a dude, then he assumes she's totally into him. In reality, she was just trying to be friendly. Worse, a woman is working as a waitress, bartender, or even an exotic dancer, flirts a little to get a better tip, and the dude assumes she's totally into him.

How do guys learn to discriminate true attraction from friendliness or playful "I'm not really interested in you" flirting?

Physical attraction is a biological phenomenon that occurs in the brain... lots 'o chemicals being released. That biology results in predictable behaviors. Knowing those behaviors is the secret. If you see them, she's into you. If not, she's just trying to be nice.

Before we get to the specifics, let's talk about default settings.  If you're a dude lookin' for love, you're better off assuming all women are disinterested as your default setting, then alter course if you detect the reliable signs of attraction. Too many dudes put out the desperate vibe when they're looking for a mate, which causes them to interpret friendly overtures as romantic interest. The result- you come off either creepy, desperate, or you scare away women that may be sitting the fence.

Okay, now that we're assuming all women are just being friendly, let's look at the reliable indicators of attractiveness.

Signs She's Interested

• Eye contact: If a woman is interested in you, she will make direct eye contact. The more the eye contact, the greater the level of interest. Furthermore, our pupils dilate when we view someone we find attractive. If the lighting is consistent, this can help conform attraction. Warning- eye contact varies greatly among individuals. Just because one woman gives more eye contact than another isn't a good indicator she's interested. Her level of eye contact with the amount of eye contact she maintains with other people.
• Open body language: Leaning in, opening legs, keeping arms uncrossed... all of these subtle body movements are indicators of attraction. If you're sitting at a table, look where she places stuff. Warning: If she places objects directly between the two of you, she's building an unconscious barrier. That's a bad sign. Also, if you're in a loud environment, leaning in may just be an attempt to hear you better. Consider your surroundings.
• Asking questions: When we're interested in someone, we want to know more about them. The best way we do this is by asking questions. Most of us, when meeting someone new, will ask a predetermined set of questions. "What do you do? Where did you grow up? What's your favorite MM color?" If the questions seem like they're being read from a script, she's probably not in to you. If she asks follow-up questions based on your answers, she's genuinely curious, which is a good indicator of interest. Warning: Many people are inherently curious about others. Like eye contact, it's best to compare one person's questioning behaviors to other people they interact with.
• Touching and invitations: If a woman touches your hand, arm, leg, neck... pretty much anything, it's a powerful indicator of interest. This is especially true if combined with open body language and eye contact. Same deal with "invitations" such as licking the lips (unless you're in a desert), biting lips, and playing with their hair.
• Sympathetic Nervous System Responses: Sounds dorky, I know. But it works. When we're attracted to someone, our heart rate increases, face becomes slightly flushed, palms get a little sweaty, and we get a little more fidgety. It's our body preparing for fight or flight... or in this case- sex. It will most often appear as slight nervousness.
• Laughing and smiling often: This is a good "supporting" clue that can go along with the rest. If a woman smiles and laughs a lot, it's a good sign she's interested. BIG warning: We're socially trained to smile a lot anyway, even to people we may not like. That's why this is more of a supporting cue than anything else.
• "Jealous" behaviors: When both men and women are interested in someone, their behavior will subtly change if someone else threatens to take their place. We're not talking about catfight level behavior changes, they will likely become somewhat hostile toward the newcomer. I knew this dude in college that would bring one of his female roommates to the bar and act as a litmus test. If he met a woman and was gaging interest, he would give a secret signal and his female roommate would approach and start talking to them for a few minutes. The subtle reaction from the woman could help determine if she was really interested or not.

Okay, now let's look at the other side of the coin. What are signs she isn't interested in you?

• Comparing behaviors with other dudes: I mentioned this above, but it's worth repeating: If a woman acts the same way with you that she acts will all guys, she's not interested. Re-read that sentence multiple times until you memorize it. This is especially important for women that might not be very good at flirting. Especially shy women may do the exact opposite of everything I noted above when in the presence of someone they may be interested in. The only way to determine interest would be to compare their behaviors around you with their behaviors around other men. The same? No interest. Different? There may be romantic interest there.
• Looking elsewhere: If a woman is actively looking around when either of you are talking, she's not interested. She's looking for an out. Or she's using you to determine the interest of someone else by judging their reaction. Either way, it's not going to lead anywhere.
• Lack of questions: If a woman is giving more statements than questions, it's a good indicator she's not interested. She's not getting to know you. She's engaging in small talk.
• Closed body language: Crossing the arms, turning away, crossing the legs, and leaning away are all good indicators that the woman isn't interested in you.
• Mentioning of other romantic interests: If a woman mentions she has a another interest (crush, boyfriend... whatever) repeatedly she's not interested. If she's complaining about another love interest, you've been friend-zoned. She's not interested in you romantically, she's just looking for a sympathetic ear.

A note about seduction: Seduction is the art of increasing and decreasing interest to increase attraction. Done well, it's a subtle but obvious game. Most women are very good at playing seduction games. They will give obvious signs of interest, then back off a bit. That cycle will repeat itself to build tension which increases attraction. 

The problem: Guys will often misinterpret initial interest followed by disinterest with seduction. A woman may meet a guy, show interest, learn more about him, realize he's not right, then back off. The guy mistakenly believes she's being seductive and will pursue despite very obvious signs of disinterest. That's where some dudes take it to the creepy level (cough, cough, stalkers, cough.)

The solution: Guys can employ a simple test. If the woman is interested then backs off, pursue for a short time, then back off yourself. If she's into you, she'll go back to showing signs of interest and both of you can play the seduction game by showing more and more obvious signs of strong attraction. If she doesn't respond with signs of interest, she is no longer interested. For the love of Raptor Jesus move on. Don't become a creepy desperate dude that gives the rest of us a bad name.

Conclusion

All men should be well-versed in observing and interpreting these signs of interest. They aren't especially difficult to understand, especially when multiple signs are used. Women rarely put out mixed signals... guys are just really bad at interpreting them. 

Both men and women readers- have anything to add? Have an interesting experience to share about misinterpreted signals? If so, leave a comment!

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Staying Together for the Kids: Some Considerations

If you're a fairly regular reader of this blog, you probably know I have a pretty straight-forward approach to relationships. If you're in a bad relationship, either take the steps to really fix it or split up. The philosophy is based on a very simple idea: Life is too short to waste in an unhappy situation. For what it's worth, I apply the same principle to anything- your career, relationships with friends and family, where you live, your cell phone provider... whatever.

In regards to romantic relationships, the advice is pretty easy to follow... unless there are kids involved.

Well, actually the "really fix it" part is fairly easy assuming both partners really want to work on themselves and their relationship skills. It's the "or end it" part that gets complicated. It really boils down to a fundamental question:

Is it better for children to have two happy divorced parents or two unhappy married parents? 

The answer, not surprisingly, is complex. If parents are living in a loveless marriage with poor communication, little compassion or intimacy, or lots of poor conflict skills, the kids will be worse off. No matter how difficult it is to hide, kids will internalize what they see- two people that are just pretending to be in love. And some are definitely worse than others. The kids are learning the skills they'll use in their own relationships some day. To say "I just want my kids to be happy" while living a miserable existence is flat-out stupid. If we really want our kids to be happy, we have to model being happy ourselves.

Having said that, divorcing doesn't necessarily solve the problem. If the parents are acrimonious toward each other and display anger, bitterness, resentfulness, and other negative characteristics, the kids will still suffer. 

When talking to children of  that did not have parents that modeled a loving, healthy relationship, this trend is pretty obvious. Kids that came from loveless marriages are almost always acutely ware of their parents' lack of love toward each other, and they usually struggle in relationships... at least until they learn good relationship skills. Kids that had parents that divorced but were bitter (and usually used the kids as pawns) had their own serious relationship issues.

So what people DID learn good relationship skills from their parents? Those that had parents that were in a loving healthy relationship learned all the necessary skills to have happy, fulfilling relationships of their own. Those that had parents that divorced but still remained civil also fare pretty well... mostly because they were then free to enter a better relationship.

There's also an implicit message associated with the decision: 

Are we willing to actually work toward getting what we want out of life, or are we content to throw up our hands and powerlessly accept whatever crap we experience?

Our kids internalize that message, too. I hear a lot of married people talking about this in terms of "making a commitment." I see that as code for "I'm too much of a pussy to actually make things better." How much are we really willing to suffer? 

• What if we have a partner that doesn't meet our needs? 
•  What if they ignore us? 
• What if they nag a lot or are overly critical? 
• What if they're overly jealous and controlling? 
• What if they verbally abuse us? 
• What if they physically abuse us?

My point- most of us would draw a line somewhere in those examples and say "Yes, if I were in this relationship, I'd get out!" Most of us would say it's okay to break the commitment of marriage if we're being physically abused. But most would say we should suck it up if our partner just bitches a lot. There's a lot of gray area when deciding enough is enough.

Some also like to say things like "Back in the old days, grandma and grandpa stuck it out through thick and thin! We need to do the same!" Of course, the same people saying this don't seem to understand their own shitty relationship skills were probably passed on from grandma and grandpa to their parents, then to them. They're using the past to rationalize their own cowardice to break that cycle of unhappiness.

Instead of trying to figure out how much of a crappy relationship we're willing to tolerate, I'd simplify the question by simply asking "Is my partner helping me grow as a person?" If you can honestly answer yes, you're probably in a pretty good relationship and modeling that for your kids. If you have any doubts about the question, odds are pretty good you're in a bad relationship and are probably doing your kids a disservice.

In life, we can either take control and make ourselves (and our surrounding world) better, or we can stick our head in the sand and pretend we're powerless. Which lesson would we want to teach our kids? If we're really concerned about their long-term welfare, we need to seriously consider what kind of relationship we're modeling for them. Putting up a facade of happiness will only teach them how to make a better facade in their own relationships down the road.

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We Need to Ban Porn!

A meme pic is far cooler than stock photography!

Surprising opinion, huh?

Bet you didn't see that one coming. :-)

Okay, here's the real opinion- we need to ban bad porn. 

What constitutes bad porn? 

Bad porn is any pornographic material that depicts unrealistic situations, bad techniques, or misrepresents actual human desires. In short, it teaches people to have bad sex. I'd confidently say 98% of all pornography found on the Interwebz could be classified as bad porn. What exactly am I talking about? Here's a rundown of some things we see in porn that contribute to this problem:

• The body image myth: Most dudes are ripped, most females are thin with huge-ass breasts. The depiction isn't necessarily bad, but the implication that these characteristics are generalized to everyone makes us feel like we're weird if we have different tastes. Some women don't like bodybuilders. Some dudes are ass men. What we actually like and what we think we should like are often not in sync, and porn doesn't help.
• The erection myth: Dudes in porn instantly have erections that last forever. That's pretty accurate... if you're a 15 year old boy. We don't see the Cialis and fluffers. This sets up the expectation that men don't need foreplay to get aroused. Sometimes a helping hand is appreciated.
• The lubrication myth: The same deal holds true for women. Vaginal lubrication, while a function of arousal, isn't automatic. Porn actors use a lot of lube, which they never depict on-camera.
• Erogenous zone myth: According to most porn, women have two erogenous zones. Men have one. Porn ignores the fact that our entire body is an erogenous zone, and all of us have our own favorites.
• Penis size myth: Yes, size does matter to most women. Yes, it's rarely a make-it-or-break-it issue in relationships. And yes, there is a point of diminishing returns with size. Porn gives us a very skewed perception on penis size (5 3/4" is roughly average), which is tough on the ego of any guy that doesn't have the last name "Diggler."
• Frequency of activity myth: Porn usually follows a pretty strict set of activities: touching genitals, licking and sucking nipples, a little oral, vaginal sex until the dude ejaculates. Sometimes anal is thrown in. In reality, sexual activity is much more dynamic. Some of these elements may be present some of the time, but most of us have our own preferred set of scripts we follow. If we follow the porn script, we soon get bored.
• Technique myth: Porn is filled with atrocious techniques. Why? part of it is probably due to cinematography. Gotta get the right angles and lighting can be a bitch. Still, every technique from massaging to oral sex to thrusting is often really, really bad. Not only are the techniques bad, but there's never any communication between partners on what each actually enjoys. For me, this is the deal-breaker. THIS is the reason I'd support a ban on bad porn. If you learned your sexual skills from porn, you'd be a really bad lover.

So there you have it- a rationale for banning bad porn. That DOES bring up a good question- is there good porn?

Actually, yes. There is. It almost always comes from two sources: female directors of professional porn and amateur porn. Both genres break down many of these myths. Both genres either depict real people having real sex or set up a scenario that accurately simulates real sex between real people. Or give the written word a try. Flexing your imagination muscles is always a good thing.

If you're going to be a consumer of porn, at least support good porn. ;-)

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How to Fight: Another Essential Relationship Skill

Any relationship will experience some degree of conflict. People, no matter how much we appear to be similar, always have significant differences. That includes your significant other. How we navigate those differences can determine the quality of our relationships.

Some people learn good relationships skills at a young age. Their parents have an awesome, healthy relationship and model that awesomeness. If this is you, congrats! Thank your parents.

Unfortunately, we have a tendency to expose kids to crappy relationships on a regular basis. Parents bring their emotional baggage and dysfunctional relationship skills into marriages. They then model this dysfunction to their kids while mistakenly believing "staying together for the kids" is a good thing. If we were one of those kids, we probably internalized a lot of bad relationship skills.

Conflict resolution was probably at the top of that list.

What does healthy conflict resolution look like? It's pretty much the same idea as asking for what you need in a relationship, which I covered yesterday. 

1. Each of us shares our point of view in a calm, emotionless manner. 
2. We confirm that they really heard and understood our partner's point of view. 
3. We then look for possible solutions that are mutually beneficial.
4. Implement the solution.

That's it. That's all it takes to overcome any conflict. It's much easier said than done, however. Why? We have a lot of shit that prevents this process from progressing smoothly. Here are the most common mistakes we make:

•  We deny there's a problem. We like to say relationships are hard, then simply live with a ton of unresolved issues. It's code for "I don't want to put forth the effort to actually make this relationship great." If both of us follow this pattern, the relationship soon devolves into nothing more than a convenient but uncomfortable living arrangement. If one of us believes everything is okay but our partner believes there are problems, our partner will only tolerate being with us for so long before they search out greener pastures. If there's a problem, acknowledge it... even if our partner is the only one that believes it's a problem.
• We have a need to be right. Dr. Phil is a tool. However, he does have the occasional bits of wise advice, including his phrase "Would you rather be right or be happy?" It ranks right up there with "We're not raising kids. We're raising adults." Anyway, the point is spot-on. If we always insist on being right, this process simply won't work. Negotiation, which is rooted in empathy and reciprocity, cannot happen if one partner is unwilling to accept blame, fails to take responsibility, and assigns fault to their partner.  Relationships are based on cooperation, not competition. Go into every conflict with the mindset that you may be 100% wrong.
• We protect our ego. If we feel like we're under attack, we put up our defenses. We counter-attack. We yell. We swear. We call our partner names. We resort to physical violence. All of this immediately ends any hope of a logical, mutually-beneficial solution and always causes the conflict to blow up. Always stay calm, fight "nice" be resisting the urge to use attacking language, drag emotions into the conflict, and assign blame.
• We lose sight of the goal. If we try to 'win' a conflict, we drag out the big guns. Those big guns could include past unresolved issues, past indiscretions by one or both partners, or the things we know would really hurt our partner. Or we may move to another area of conflict. We need to focus on the problem before us. Solve that before moving on. Clearly define the conflict, and only work on that one conflict.

If a conflict ever escalates to a point where a mutually-beneficial solution isn't likely, stop fighting. Back away. Take some time to calm down. Come back to the problem when both are more level-headed. If it takes multiple sessions, so be it.

If a conflict cannot seem to be resolved, do not hesitate to seek professional help. Good relationship skills are not intuitive if you're never seen them in action. Suck up your pride and get help. A good therapist can teach you the skills needed to be successful in a relationship.

If the conflict or conflicts persist, consider the possibility that your relationship may have run its course (see my comment about parents modeling bad relationships for their kids.) Relationships will naturally ebb and flow; they will experience highs and lows. At some point, one or both of the partners may have simply grown in a different direction and there's not a lot of common ground. That fact is usually evident in a steady increase in conflicts over time. Consider the possibility that the relationship may need to end for the sake of all parties involved. 

Conflict resolution is an essential relationship skill. Some of us learn it from a young age. Some don't. If you're in the "I have no fucking clue" category, don't fret. Conflict resolution is pretty easy to learn. It takes some time to avoid the sometimes automatic responses that make conflict resolution difficult (or impossible), but stick with it. As I've said before, life is too short to waste stuck in shitty relationships. Take control of your life and fix it! Or leave it. Either way, make a choice to do something.

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How to Get What You Need From Relationships: Honest, Direct Communication

In my last post, I talked about the skill of active listening. After we practice that skill, we'll become better listeners. 

Great!

Now what?

The next step is working on communicating our own needs with our partner. In a healthy relationship, each partner will feel comfortable opening dialogue about their needs. If they have needs that aren't being met, they feel safe expressing those needs. That should result in a discussion where the couple finds a mutually-beneficial solution to the problem.

In unhealthy relationships, one or both partners do not feel comfortable expressing their needs. It may be the result of patterns developed earlier in life. It may result in one or both partners' reactions. It's not uncommon for one partner to feel angry or inadequate. It is as if the discussion is a direct assault on their self-worth.

The trick is to find a way for each partner to express their feelings in a safe environment without blame, condescending comments, name-calling, or other hurt feelings. That will only inhibit future sharing, which ultimately dooms relationships.

I would recommend using the following method:

Step one: The partner (A) with the unmet need shares their concern with their partner (B.) Be calm and direct. Say exactly what need is not being met including how you'd like that need to be met.

Step two: Partner B will practice good active listening skills by rewording the need and reading the emotional state of Partner A. This should be done in a clam, relaxed manner with no judgment, commentary, or opinions.

Step three: Allow Partner A to correct any mistakes in Partner B's interpretation. Once both partners are clear about the exact nautre of the issue, move on.

Step four: Partner B will now give their opinion. How can this need be met? What would it take for that to happen?

Step five: Both Partner A and Partner B will brainstorm possible mutually-beneficial solutions that take both sides into consideration. Both parties need to be able to make concessions if needed. Continue until a solution is reached. At some point, the desire to be 'right" may supersede the desire to come to a conclusion. Remember, the goal is compromise, not "winning."

That's it. It's a simple process that's exceedingly effective. I highly recommend developing special "rules" when sharing needs to keep each other on task and prevent the situation from devolving into a bitter argument.

1. Always remain respectful. Do not resort to yelling, name-calling, or bring up old unresolved issues. 
2. Keep emotions at bay. Emotions tend to cloud our judgment and create a situation where negative emotions escalate.
3. Accept responsibility for the issues in your relationship. Realize most problems are the result of both partners' actions (or lack thereof.)

Just like any other relationship skill, this whole process takes process. Try it out on a few minor issues before tackling the big ones.

Happy conflict resolution!

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